So. Prometheus…DANG

On the off-chance you haven’t seen Prometheus, better stop reading. This’ll spoil it for you.

Okay.

Okay.

I knew what was going to happen when I saw Prometheus. I’d spoiled it for myself, so I’d know precisely when to cover my eyes.

And you know what?

It was glorious. And it was stupid, and rather clever as well, and I loved it.

The opening was so beautiful and epic and wonderful, and this made me so confused later on. Because, see, if the Engineer who came apart at the seams was starting life on Earth (or in the sea) as we know it, then why is there grass? I’m pretty sure that’s grass on at least part of the landscape. Because grass only evolved right at the end of the Cretacious period, when there were already dinosaurs and mammals and any number of species around by that point. (If I’m wrong and there wasn’t any grass, then this is invalid, but still.) Plus, the scenery looked very similar to the planet they travel to in the film, so if the prologue is set on that planet rather than Earth, then what was the point of all the aforementioned coming apart at the seams, since that planet is just a weapons depot?

And this plagued me throughout the film. And I loved it.

They took off their helmets even though just because the air is breathable it doesn’t mean there aren’t harmful pathogens in it, and why is everyone taking off their helmet just because Holloway did it? If Holloway jumped off a cliff, would you do it? And I loved it.

David was touching absolutely everything, even when he was being told DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING and he said sorry and then he did it again. And I loved it.

The geologist whose doo hickies are mapping the freaking caverns GETS LOST EVEN WHEN HE HAS A FIVE MINUTE HEAD START and he doesn’t have a map on his wrist or anything, and no one does a head count in the truck. And I loved it.

They ran electricity through the Engineer’s head until it exploded. And I loved it.

The biologist, THE FUCKING BIOLOGIST who really should know better and who wanted to stay away from any life signs? Yeah, he goes ahead and strokes the penis-vagina-hemaphrodite cobra alien worm thing. The thing even the stoned geologist wanted to stay away from. He deserved to get face-raped. And I loved it.

HOLLOWAY HAS A WORM IN HIS EYE AND DOESN’T TELL ANYONE. And I loved it.

No one asks where David is, and there’s a whole scene where he’s just mucking around with the Engineers’ ship (I loved the squishy buttons) and it’s so pretty and so off-key with everything else that was going on. I really loved that. And the buttons. I loved them so much I said it twice.

I KNEW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN AND I WAS STILL HALF GOING ‘AH AH OH GOD OH GOOOOOOD’ DURING THE SURGERY SCENE, AND HALF LAUGHING BECAUSE THE SQUID THING WAS THRASHING AROUND AND IT WAS SO STUPID BUT ALSO IF YOU DON’T LAUGH YOU’RE GOING TO HYPERVENTILATE. And I loved it.

So nothing happened to Shaw’s vagina, even though it was exposed to the mutant demon sperm? No, it was just her uterus. And she probably wasn’t even ovulating because she’s sterile for some unexplained reason, even though it’s the future. And I’m probably thinking too much about this but honestly, did the sperm just get there and mutate into a squid baby becuase it realised that this is a place where things gestate? AND managed to con Shaw’s body into accepting it enough to have an umbilical cord? That she just yanks out OH DEAR SWEET JESUS. And I loved it.

No one asks Shaw why she’s covered in blood or why she has staples in her stomach and David never asks what happened to Junior and Dr Ford possibly has a concussion from where Shaw smacked her in the head, but she doesn’t care, nobody does. And I loved it.

Janek knows this planet is a weapons base. How? Eh. And he’s suddenly incredibly passionate about not taking any nasty weapons back to earth, and would be willing to do anything to prevent it. That’s nice to know. And I loved it.

Weyland? One, Shaw and Holloway NEVER AT ANY POINT implied that the Engineers would be giving out pressies like immortality. Two, why would you want to live forever? You’ve had a good innings, you’re over a hundred, you need a mechanical exoskeleton to even take a few steps. Why would you want to go on living forever like this? Unless you’re asking for eternal youth as well, in which case go right ahead, but you’re being a hell of a cocky mother in making such a huge gamble on the Engineers actually doing what you ask. I’d understand if you wanted to meet your maker before you die, or look upon God or whatever, but now you’re just being fucking greedy. Plus, you stink as a father. And I loved it.

Shaw, even if you habitually clutch your abdomen in pain, you’re not fooling me. You shouldn’t even be upright, you should be lying on the floor somewhere burbling from all the pain killers. And also possibly bleeding out or having a haemorrhage, because you just RIPPED THE UMBILICAL CORD OUT and even if you’ve stapled up your skin, your insides are probably still all sliced up. I mean, at least cauterize. Cauterization is your friend. If I did not like you so much, I’d call foul even more. And I loved it.

Janek’s two copilots are perfectly willing to die with their captain, since they’re suddenly all so keen to save the earth by blowing themselves up, and I never even learned their names. And I loved it.

Running in a straight line. Just…running in a straight line.

To be fair there was a lot of crap all around them that would have made it difficult to run to the side, plus the fight or flight instinct. And I loved it.

Of COURSE the escape pod wasn’t crushed by the falling ship. Of COURSE it wasn’t. And I loved it.

Riddle me this; what exactly was Junior eating in that sterilized sick bay to get so fucking big in, what, an HOUR? TWO? Also, it’s the future, our axe handles curve ridiculously now! And I loved it.

DEAR SWEET JESUS AND LORD ON HIGH, TOO MANY TENTACLE VAGINA PENISES. I mean, seriously, this is the monster that will make everyone, regardless of gender or sexual preference, cross their legs protectively and wince all the while. (Which was sort of the point with the original facehugger, but this is just overload.) There’s literally something to horrify everyone. Penises that look like eyes at first, vagina dentata, penises with eyes inside the vagina dentata. I think whoever designed this was thinking of ‘The Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife’. And…

…no, I can’t say I loved this part. I just can’t. A little bit of me would die inside.

Shaw and David’s Head and his body too I guess…IN SPACE. Hell yeah, I loved it.

It was glorious and it was stupid and it was rather clever too, and I don’t care, I loved it all.

(Except the face-rapes. Hey, I said Milburn deserved it, I didn’t say I liked watching him deep-throat the penis vagina combo.)

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